I think my warranty is up on my body. I admit to not keeping in mind the terms of the warranty, nor do I recall where I may have filed my copy so I can check said terms. I tried looking it up on the Internet to no avail. It probably has not been digitized yet, what with Ancestry.com busy with census and military records and all. Maybe my father has it in his records somewhere, but I doubt it. I am pretty sure he and mom encouraged me to keep it in a safe place. Drat…

Why do I think my warranty has expired? Since turning 60, the following events have taken me by complete surprise:

• My blood pressure has become a bit of a problem. REALLY??? COME ON! SERIOUSLY?
• Blood tests indicate that I may be pre-diabetic (however, I blame changing standards instead of my own heath habits for this one).
• I have had three (count ’em – three) major dental procedures in the last 4 months – all unrelated to the others!
• I have a knee problem…an irritating, frustrating, weird aching discomforting, knee problem.
• I know what words like sciatica, lumbago, and Morton’s neuroma mean.
• Instead of business meetings and lunches with colleagues on my calendar, I now have those coveted appointment spots filled with “Dermatology appt”, “Physical Therapy visit”, “Acupuncture”, and “BP check”.
• I am visiting CVS pharmacy waaayyy too often!

So I am pretty sure it has run out. It probably had the standard 60-year warranty terms. Back in the 1950’s, I believe the warranties for my make and model ran about 2/3 of actual life expectancy. According to the tables at Social Security Online, I should have another 24 ½ years to go before life runs out…or 86.3 years. As I intend to live until at least 106 (see my blog “Making Sense of it All”), this may all prove problematic.

I am not a happy camper. I wonder if it is too late to purchase an extended warranty.

Wait…something just pulled up on my RSS feed…

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Standard Warranty of Female Human Body of German Descent

This agreement applies to any order, receipt, delivery or use of the female body of German descent (collectively “THE BODY”) from God (THE MAKER). This agreement applies to THE BODY unless you personally notify THE MAKER in writing that you do not agree to the terms of the warranty.

1. Shipping and Title. THE MAKER will arrange to ship THE BODY to your initial caretakers (THE PARENTS) at a date and time THE MAKER deems appropriate. This date may or may not occur on any date promised by any human physician, midwife, fortuneteller, potential grandparent, or shaman. Title to THE BODY passes to you when THE MAKER delivers it to THE PARENTS, who have domain over THE BODY until you reach an age-of-decision (in this contract, that age is 18). At the age-of-decision, full title to THE BODY transfers wholly onto you.
2. Free Will. THE MAKER confers upon you Free Will. Other terms for Free Will may include: self-determination, free moral agency, freedom of choice, autonomy, liberty, and independence.
3. Genesis 18:1-33. THE MAKER unequivocally does not make errors, omissions, mistakes, faults, blunders, oops, boo-boos, miscalculations, inaccuracies, oversights, or goofs.
4. Errors and Omissions. This warranty covers any defect or malfunction in THE BODY that was the fault of THE MAKER. Please refer to Clause 3. Genesis.
5. Return Policy. THE MAKER does not undertake to replace or repair any goods supplied by THE MAKER. You may not return THE BODY to THE MAKER. The soul is another thing altogether.
   
6. Defects in Material or Workmanship. If you believe that a defect in material or workmanship has arisen under conditions of normal and proper use and maintenance (fair wear and tear excepted), please refer to Clause 3. Genesis.
7. Dispute Resolution. You and THE MAKER agree that any dispute between you and THE MAKER will be resolved exclusively and finally by arbitration administered by St. Peter Arbitration Forum (SPAF). The arbitration will be conducted before a single arbitrator (GOD), also known as THE MAKER, in the celestial courts on a date (JUDGEMENT DAY) determined by THE MAKER.
8. Period of Coverage. THE MAKER delivers to you THE BODY that should withstand many years of use provided you fulfill certain criteria as stated below:

8.1. Healthy Lifestyle Criteria:

8.1.1.  Maintain a healthy weight

8.1.2. Eat five or more servings of fruits and vegetables daily, eat whole grains, and cut down on red meat.

8.1.3. Get plenty of exercise.

8.1.4. Limit your drinking to occasional or no alcohol.

8.1.5.  Avoid tobacco products and second-hand smoke.

8.1.6. Practice stress management.

8.1.7. Get at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night.

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Hmm…

…so, in other words…

…I’m screwed.

I guess asking God for that extended warranty is out of the question.

Any of you out there feel your warranty is up?  How are you coping?

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